What Does It All Mean?

There seems to be an energy around us all now that prevents the body and the mind from reaching into the darkness without hesitating, as if there was something frightening that could attack all that we are trying to hold onto in our lives. I begin to hesitate when I look around me and see the wonders and abundance that is in my life, since I have lost it all, at one time in my life. Other times, I gave it all away as I headed off to a new place on the planet, like when I moved to D.C., or Hawaii, Santa Barbara, or Washington State.

One time, all my precious goods were destroyed, inside a storage facility in San Francisco, and to this day, years later, there are a few things I remember, that wishes cannot return. A lot of my notebooks, with stories and diaries were there, which represented about 20 years of my life. All gone, all destroyed. Suffering through that loss, of things, of memories, froze my life for about 2 months. Anger arose in the middle of nights, as I remembered treasures lost.

The things, we own, we hold onto, we expect to be there in our homes when we return to our driveways, balance the daily confusion and work we do outside our homes. The things, the plants, the dining room table, are our ballasts against rocky human interactions and frightening futures we create out of nothingness, which are born in those moments of knowing that we are not all-powerful or eternal.

Today, I am walking though a fearful moment which I drew to me for a learning experience. Yet, here I sit, able to do that which I love to do the most: my work, my writing. Somewhere in my past, there was debilitating injuries, life-threatening illnesses, and from them the understanding that health was the most important of all the gifts of the universe, as without it, nothing else could be enjoyed. Not love, not work, not even reading. To be able to walk without pain, as I do now, years after a head on car accident, is a miracle. To be cancer free, 11 years after it waltzed across my life horizon, is also gratefully enjoyed and respected, for what it was: a lesson, an opportunity, a check-in to present time and reality.

Love now, that revolves in me and around me, no matter how I feel or what situation I am entertaining in life. I know who loves me, and am able to love them. I will say, though, even during pain and illness, sometimes thinking about those you love, takes a back seat to pain, prescriptions and nuclear radiology labs.

What is the touchstone? What is it that brings you into a realistic understanding of who you are, and what it is that you should be grateful for, in the days and nights of your life?

People I remember, who made changes in their lives, as I changed mine through theirs are memorable. An elderly woman on a train from Frankfurt to London, who had a nose bleed, as I sat across from her in our compartment, comes to mind. She did not talk to me when I entered and sat across from her. A smile, a head bow to acknowledge my presence was all that took place. Then a few minutes later, blood poured out of her nose, and she became frightened.

I grabbed my tissues from the backpack, and then sat next to her, placing her head back to stop the flow. She shaking, afraid, as I gave her tissues and then water once it stopped. I helped her clean her jacket, and she speaking in German and me, with my English, sat there together, holding hands, as she had become cold, and shaking, across the German landscape of cows and mountains.

Many people helped me, in my travels around the world. People I will never see again, but where there when I needed an angel, or directions. People who went out of their way, gave their time and energy, when I had none, when I was frightened. It all balances out in the end, I think.

The people who gave me their time and advice, like the Dalai Lama, Mother Theresa, Don Miguel Ruiz, Lama Tharchin, and, even, Roger Daltry. People who looked at me and realized another human was there to ask questions, or needed a little encouragement, even though, sometimes, the advice was unasked. The advice, spectacularly profound, whipping me from my daily thoughts, to the knowledge I am worthy, to be here, on this planet.

Men I married, divorced, dated and ended relationships with all had something to teach me, as I taught them, in the whirls of consciousness. Men who where trying to understand themselves and the life they were in, which included me, for a short time. We were all trying to find the answer to what does IT all mean.

Sometimes, there is no answer. Sometimes you meet people, spend time with them, understand yourself better, or simply walk away confused about their actions, your needs. Sometimes there is no answer at the time it all ends or begins. Usually, it was just the next indicated thing the relationship was directing you to as your path converged from theirs.

The one thing I have learned is that until I have fully grieved something, can I let it go completely. There is no time on this one. It is personal for each of us. No timeline lets you know when it is time to end the grief, anger, fear. It happens, though. Eventually, the grief stops and the limbo period begins while the heart and mind suspend action, slowly revolving toward the next indicated thing.

Marianne Williamson said that, "every situation is just a corner of an infinite universe. No corner is really so good or so bad, as it is simply a place the soul is in need of experiencing now. Whatever it is, it will not last. Whatever it is, it is leading to something better. And whatever it is, it is something perfect."

So, my perfect universe which I walk through every day has no answers for me. It is because I am able to play in an infinite universe, where all is possible. I am grateful it will not last, since the new experience will be even more revealing, deeper, clearer, as my soul injects the experience with its needs for my life. There is something larger than me, as I look at the sun and moon and the abundance of life on this planet. I am just part of it and because of my part in it, it exists for all of us.

What does it all mean? I cannot answer for you. Only your actions will tell you when you are happy, when you have screwed up, when you have left behind the fear, the past, the attachments, which no longer are necessary for the next part of your journey.

We are all related already, says Williamson, in her book, Everyday Grace, and with every human encounter we get a chance to re-create our world. I would have to add that with every human, animal, and mountaintop I stand on, I have a chance to re-create my world.

A friend of mine has always said that her current relationship with her boyfriend, is incredible, because he lets her be herself. Free is her favorite ideal. She is free to be herself with him. I asked her once if she had changed because of him, and she said, No. She was still herself, and did not have to change at all. She could do whatever she wanted and he did not influence her into changing.

I have thought about this for a while now. I think she is missing something. She is more fearful of changing because of him. She believes that if she does, she loses something of herself in the changing. I think she would become something grander, if she allowed him to change her. It is a matter of trust. It is not a matter of loss of freedom. She is not free with him. Two together, meld into one, and become a testament to true love and faith, in the relationship. I do not think he is the passionate, love of her life. Once she finds that man, who she allows to touch her soul, drop her fears of loss of her freedom, she will be content.

Strange, so strange to see an old mirror image of myself, in her life. They keep bumping into one another. They were together a few years ago, broke up, and now are back together. Something was not learned, in the past, and now they are both pretending it is perfect again. He sits and waits for her to come to him, ready to change, give up some of the freedom she claims is so precious. He is slowly becoming a ghost of what he could be, but is fearful of the next woman.

The woman who will give up her freedom, to be completely one with him, is what he desires, but is fearful she will never arrive in his lifetime. He does not have to change for her either. It is like watching the stallion and mare, separated by the fence. The fence of freedom, which neither of them can break down, because they are not meant to be together, forever. Their souls are simply trying to teach them that freedom is not the point. Love, is the lesson, and once they let go, walk away from one another, then they will find the deepest, richest love they have desired, always. But the lessons of the soul, take time.

What does it all mean? I don't know right now. I do know if we stop searching for the answer, we will never be content, be loved, be brave. Sometimes the only thing it all means is in understanding our fears, we are able to walk away knowing, hoping, the next indicated thing brings joy and unimaginable love. Freedom to be who we are without fear of being changed. It is the changes that answer the question, What Does IT all mean.