Friday, December 16, 2011

Holiday Crisis #1- They Don’t Know You

(c) 2011 Danise Codekas

“Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.”-Joseph Heller

Oh, geeze, I am gritting my teeth as another holiday crisis occurs, destroying a delusional illusion, someone once held, about me. At the same time, realizing this person really does not know me, by telling me I must agree with their false data, about an event in my life, they were misinformed about,  tells me that the top 10 Christmas Crises are about to begin.

10 days of Christmas are balanced out by the 10 Holiday Crises, in case you skipped school that day. So I will lay them out, in the 10 day countdown, to the 25th. #10 gets posted on the 26th, boxing day. Because it involved unwanted presents, returned engagement rings, and waking up drunk in someone’s hotel room, in a city you cannot remember, sometimes. 

Do you know what you did in your life? Do you know what really happened during an event that completely altered the course of your life? Usually, you do, unless you are drugged, drunk or unconscious.

To be told by another person, who was not THERE with you, and that they are telling you that you are lying, or their version is correct, and yours is not, when they were NOT there, showed me that this person thought i was a liar, and an idiot.

I felt like I was standing in front of an old boyfriend, who told me he was not cheating on me, after telling me he had been having sex with 2 other women, while we were together for 6 months. It was not cheating; it was that he was in a relationship with them.

It was not cheating. That is what he wanted me to believe. Geeze. Did he really think I was that stupid? Oh, wait. No, he didn’t think I was stupid. He just did not want to admit that he had become a liar and a cheat.

“Be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be.”--Kurt Vonnegut

It would have destroyed his family and friends and clients' opinions that he was a mover and a shaker and an upstanding businessman in San Francisco.

God Forbid, anyone find out he was a pathological liar (if your cheating on someone; you are always lying to them). I would imagine that Fred is still a serial cheater,living in Sausalito or San Francisco. (Bitching about X’s, is allowed for a few minutes every Christmas. Do not drink, when bitching. It’s a waste of good liquor.)

Christmas and Hanukah always bring out the truth about your relationships, and what you are feeling, deep down inside, and seems to scratch itself up to the raw surfaces of your heart and brain.

Stuff you are wishing for and hoping for rises and those desires also drag about all that detritus, you buried inside, that has to be dealt with, before the dream and illusions morph into reality. It sucks.

However, you know that you are going to visit people and spend time in old scenarios, either connected by blood or memory, which you really wish did not cause such sickening  uncomfortable, reactionary stress, as thoughts dredge up those old paradigms.

I won't be heading into any of those this year. Had one of those ah-ha moments today, after realizing I had finally un-plugged from an old pattern, which was part of my life mission. Karma stuff.

I completed it this morning, around 630 AM, PST. Difficult encounters, with people, who you think know you well, are happening with  you and me, over this joyous, holiday season. 

If you can hold your head together, and be an observer, when these people begin telling you, who you are (which you no longer are),  or argue with you, about an event, which they were never at, however, you were, then you and I are not insane and should have a reasonable witty, amusing holiday, with some amazing discussions and connections made.

Or, what about those friends or family, that tell you, you are wrong about what really happened, at this event, they were never at, but, you were.?

If you can be compassionate in those moments, when you realize they are calling you a liar and do not know you, truthful you,  at all,  and you feel like you have fallen into the Twilight Zone, and still can walk away with no blood dripping from your ripped heart, then it is can be considered an enlightening, holiday moment.

Know that it does not matter what people believe about you: who do not really know the truth about you, and do not believe you when you tell them who you are, what really happened or what you believe.

You will do fine this holiday season, if you keep this in mind. therwise, get on a plane, on a highway, and head to a place where no one knows you, and have a meal with a stranger.

“Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.”--Joseph Heller

Why talk to someone who thinks you are an illusion and tells you, you do not know who you are? Then, won't believe what you tell them about yourself? I thought this person had lost their mind, when they were telling me I was wrong about something that happened, which I had written proof of.

I almost said I would show them the document, to prove that I was right, and then decided not to. I know what is the truth about my life.  I’ve known this person for 20 years! Friends, for 20 years! It was en enlightening moment to find out they invalidated my truth; our relationship.

A lot of personal dramas are erupting all around you right now, tonight, maybe, and all you can do is observe or be drawn into someone's illusionary beliefs about who you really are, what you are really doing, or what you have actually done in your life.What you really need.

It is the time to not cater to someone else's false ideas about you. it is a time to speak your truth about yourself, about what really happened, what was really said, what you believed to be true, what you really need and want.

But, you better make sure you have some courage to pick up that phone if you need to say hello or goodbye. better make sure you understand that time is not real and miracles happen once you accept the truth about what it is you really need in your life.

Denying a personal truth, a need, a person you love, a mission, will keep you frozen in the past, in the shrouds of darkness which smother your ability to engage in serendipitous relationships which bring  joy and peace.

And, so you can understand what I am trying to say in this posting, if you did not get it, I leave you with a quote which makes me feel connected, even when, sometimes, I feel no one understands me, when I write, speak or cry.

“Still and all, why bother? Here's my answer. Many people need desperately to receive this message: I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.--Kurt Vonnegut

Friday, December 2, 2011

Where Are You?

©2011 Danise Codekas

I put my heart and my soul into my work, and have lost my mind in the process.”-Van Gogh

Seems like there is some disconnecting going on between our ideas of who we are and who we think we are. At least I keep slipping into an alternative universe, more than not, these past few weeks.

Change, when it begins, grows in volume, as random pieces of information arrive faster and louder, when higher consciousness is listened to acutely, and I release that which no longer serves.

The music is clearer. Songs play on airwaves that speak exactly to me and what I am feeling, and unable to express, until the song finishes playing.

A connection has been cut, and the new forms of communication are stuck inside my head, and now the wires and modalities are coming into my periphery.

Jean Dubuffet

“What I expect from any work of art is that it surprises me, that it violates my customary valuations of things and offers me other, unexpected ones.” – Jean Dubuffet

The dreams we all have are flipped over again and again. Some of my fears will never come to pass, even though those some fears are experienced by people around me. What is the worst that can happen to you?

I am learning to not to ask that question. Seems futile when the things that are after me, chasing me down alleys and tsunamis in my mind, are being handled in excruciating detail, moment by moment.

Many bindings are twisting away into the cosmos, like the Kutscher-Moore marriage, CafĂ© Gratitude debacle, loved one’s health challenges, life as I planned it. Hmm, life as I planned it sounds funny. None of us know what comes the next breath, do we? 

The artist is not a different kind of person, but every person is a different kind of artist”-Eric Gill

Christmas brings a lot of thought in with its power, doesn’t it? Happiness, loneliness, anxiety, forgiveness. Super powers and large bank accounts needed to release us from the darkness on the edges of our vision and memoirs. Love bandied about, as greed and terror afflict many on land, air and sea.

Meeting new people happens a lot, too. That’s the sparkle for me, about this time in my life. Many new people who connect with me for a short, intense time. The clues to the coming together fascinates me daily. Why now?

My path changes daily. Plans tossed aside as the To-Do list goes askew in coffee houses, park benches and standing in the middle of a friggin’ cold Puget Sound beach as stars rise and the BSNF railcars wind along the tracks, from San Diego to Seattle.

Wiping out all lapping wave sounds and night bird calls on the beach, for a few minutes. Enough to refocus me to thoughts of leaving for anywhere those tracks traverse.

A time when we take a step, and hesitate, before proceeding is upon us.

The danger of failing, screwing up, paying higher prices with our life’s energy, than previously experienced, causes a hesitation, a momentary breath before engaging. modigliani scul[pt 1

“What I am seeking is not the real and not the unreal but rather the unconscious, the mystery of the instinctive in the human race.” –Modigliani

It seems the cosmos has inserted an extra moment of time, between the last movement, thought, touch and the next, over the past few months.

Is it me? Yes. Is it you, also, responding to the web of time, actions and serendipitous clues that arrive for us all.

The only thing that is able to bring me out of this Kafka-esque Friday night is the Art Basel art fair in Miami, this weekend. Art always always stops me from spending too much time thinking about myself.

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“The artist is a receptacle for emotions that come from all over the place; from the sky, from the earth, from a scrap of paper, from a passing shape, from a spider’s web.” –Picasso

Two Face Woman by Picasso

The art and critics smash together at this Hanukkah-Christmas tide conflagration, at a time when the year is ending, and you/me need to be sucked out of 11 months of boring patterns.

A scent of a new possible, in your/mine life grabs the gut/ the third chakra, and alerts us that change is where we are headed, maybe toward one another, maybe not.

“O great creator of being, grant us one more hour to perform our art and perfect our lives.” – Bob Marley