What Do You Really Need? It's On Its Way

copyright2011 Danise Codekas

Some days seem like "no" days. Negatives arise which prevent you from rolling through the 24 hours, easily. Issues which affect me, and others, begin to eat away at my confidence as I try to understand what it is that I ,and those who know me, need from me. After all, they would not love me if they did not see something love able in me. Right?

Today is one of those days, when everyone I dealt with did not want to give me what I wanted. It felt as if every time I tried to make an appointment, get a quote or pay a bill, a negative would arise. When this happens, more than three times, on the same issue (in this case getting my hair washed and blown [so girlie, I know]), I decided to let my long red hair, rest quietly in repose. I would not walk into another hair salon, and my 2 favorite stylists would have to remain booked for another few days.

When you have hair that is 2 feet long, you have to understand it takes 40 minutes to blow dry, and that is if you are a professional. I faint dead away holding arms up, and flat iron and dryer after 15 minutes. These hair stylists are my hair angels. Someone suggested that I cut it. Go on, get it cut. You'll be much cooler this summer. My answer was that air conditioning was invented for me and my long hair. That is why  I paid an extra thousand, for installation into my Subaru, and why that lovely hum, revolves around my home, during the summer's deep heat, above the Puget Sound.

It all comes down to a matter of love. I love my hair and I love the fact that after years of short hair, I finally let it grow and the hell with people who wanted my curly, red frock to remain on my head, because that is how they knew me best.

I feel sexier, healthier, and smile, at myself, in the rear view mirror, as it flies out the car window, when I am blasting the stereo with calypso, rock, Chicago blues or a fine mind expanding CD from St. Martin's in the Fields recordings, from London.

I purposely re-routed a trip to Rome, one frigid Christmas Eve, in order to attend the evening Christmas Concert at St. Martin's. It was worth every penny to sit in the ancient chapel, candle lit and ivy covered, and smile from the balcony as the wonderful symphonic musicians thrilled us all to Bach and Beethoven. Even the 200 dollar cab ride back to the airport, didn't cause me any stress. The experience was worth every penny, as are all dreams, when answered and fulfilled.

Love is like that, sometimes. Love of self is  important and having to walk away from something or someone, that you know no longer satisfies you is a good thing to do.

It saves your heart from feeling as if there is something lacking in it. It leads you to the one, or the thing, the next note, the next word, that will better satisfy you  with happiness. Sometimes, you wander in doubt and hurt, for a while, until that which is meant for you to love, that person, or animal, or life's mission, reaches you. Embrace it and understand it was always meant just for you. Let go of the fear. Then you realize you were always expected, it was meant to be for you.

I thought about love, last night. I do not know who that man is that will love me. He might already love me, super-consciously, and is just afraid, as I, to say those words, seek me out. It just seems as if all these twists and turns of my life are leading me closer to that dream, which once met and fulfilled, will be understood and recognized as the only path to love I could have walked down.

Isn't real love like that, though? Those words, forsaking all others, come to mind. I believe he is out there and, like my hairdressers, who are busily taking care of other clients, today, he has other things to do before he arises before me. I hope though, he loves himself well, before he arrives and is not looking for his other half. I do not want to be an other half, for him. I have been with other half's and I was always half unfilled and half-seeking something to fill that part of my heart that was half empty.

Whole man, whole heart, 100% flinging his energy into the world. That is my dream of who he is. No more warning signs flashing around us. Just recognition of a changing world around us, that we both embrace as we stand with arms around one another. Sunshine and bliss.

So, what started out to be a day of  the universe saying, "no hairdressing, today," becomes a realization that something or someone else is destined to arise before me. So, I will head down to the Steilacoom Farmer's Market, this afternoon, and seek out my favorite goat farm, farmer's cheese. Hoping, that after a year apart, the chevre goat cheese still exists.

If I had my hair done, it might all be gone by the time I arrive at the market. So another reason for knowing that today's "No", was just the universe showing me there is a great big piece of "Yes" waiting for me to spread on a rice cracker.