Completely Unexpected

© 2012, Danise Codekas

Failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than I was and began diverting all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. -J. K. Rowling, Harvard Commencement Address, 2008

 

And, so, go on I must in spite of personal embarrassment, when all wonder why I came so far, and did not stay in New Mexico. The embarrassment comes from not pursuing this dream, I had about living in New Mexico, sooner; not from what anyone labels my 1700 mile effort, tonight.

Illusions not addressed immediately always remain illusions, don’t they? Usually a preconceived idea about someone or some place, persists throughout one’s lifetime.

This New Mexico illusion of mine persisted for over 20 years. Different it is from a vacation here, which I have enjoyed spending here over the years. Much different outlook coming here with the intention of living here and no where to return to now. Cautious is not how I am now, in spite of realizing this is not the place I will settle.

Overjoyed is more my demeanor as, Caesar said: I came, I saw, I conquered.

Conquer? The illusions have been destroyed about what life would be like here. Wanted to build a geodesic dome here. Vastness, space, unending sky draws me. Yet, those qualities of place exist elsewhere in the world, and they aren’t in semi-arid conditions.

The heat is wonderful for a while, yet, moisture and water and green is needed by my being. I love it here, in vacation mode. Perhaps, it will appeal to me at another time in my life. This day, this week, there is another reason for my coming. Unexpected surprise which had to do with personal clearing and revelations about myself.

Listening to the evening chirping crickets, animals of the night talking and barking with one another, no sounds of anything mechanical, I love this peacefulness.

The blue sky, the clouds, the unending space up mountainsides which shoots across endless air, I find mesmerizing. There are reasons it is good to come to the desert in order to drain everything which blocks flow in my body, my mind.

The heat and endless pounding of the sun steals anything your body is trying to hide, hold on to, or fight. Just let it go is my mantra in deserts.

Abolishing , all that I owned for many years before taking this journey, difficult, though it was, is not  really difficult at all compared to feeling my bones melt and my mind enter a state of limbo, in which thought ceased to be important. All that was important was being able to breath, to sit, to drink water, to find shade.

Going through a psychological eruption and allowing all objects to be taken into new homes, by new owners, prepared me for the physical eruption, ending here in the high, New Mexico plateau.

Like a dying woman being led to water, my psyche sought this physical cleansing which was needed for me to continue on with the next part of my life.

Right now, tonight, I am thinking of leaving New Mexico and heading toward the Pacific Ocean. However, in this cosmic time period, full of surprising changes,  as you are all experiencing, fool, I would be if said “absolutely, I go”.

At this point, in all our lives, it is all a crap shoot which has been designed by each one of us during all these years we’ve been living lives, uncensored, sometimes callously so, and many times doing the exact thing we did NOT want to do.

Untrue to our self, our hearts’ desires, and ignoring what our souls needed which we were completely aware of, yet believed the ego when it said the word, “unworthy” or “impossible”.

There is not time left for you, to keep telling yourself, you are anything less than being able to manifest, and create, that which makes you happy and content, with someone of like mind who enjoys your state of mind, and does not want to change you, however, wants to share the excitement, of this wondrous place and time with you, without you needing to change them, either.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

Karma does and following what you are feeling inside.

So, like Caesar said, “No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected.” The amount of writing flowing out of me, is also something unexpected. The desire to write overtaking most of my spaces between thoughts about other things.

That should answer any questions you have about my sanity, responsibility, or lack thereof, in how I am going about my life now, or where I am driving to next. Even I am surprised by the unexpected wisdoms, about myself, gained by moving to New Mexico.

That New Mexico is not the final stop, the new home base, is completely, something unexpected. Writing ferociously, now, also, and for this I am grateful, and still entranced with the power of this very sacred and powerful place.

Do not be surprised if I am still here after another 20 years, either. You, like me, really do not know what the next breath brings, let alone tomorrow. For now, let us agree, on something completely unexpected intriguing us.