What Is It With Men, Now?

copyright 2010 by Danise Codekas

 

“How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.” Oscar Wilde

What is it with men? Lots of angry, frustrated men around, lately. No, none of them are involved with me (maybe that is the problem;)) however lots of men who are pulling away from women, big time.

Was talking to a new friend the other night and he was on a campaign to prove that he has stopped committing to relationships with women and was now only serial dating for the rest of this life. Good idea if love doesn't grab his ass first. One never knows what will appear before one, on a stroll up Columbus Avenue, or do head bang into one on Broadway.

Happenstance and incredulity sniff around humans, all the time, and one never knows when they will leave dormant state because it is time for one to begin interacting with other humans, reverently and euphorically.

Does he realize when he closes the door on the possibility of committed male-female relationship, he could end up the oldest, orneriest, loneliest man on the planet, along with the other post-divorce, 40 and 50 year old buddies, who are sitting at the other end of the bar, with a group of 20-30 year old women between them?

Ya, it worked for him in high-school and college, however, he has decided to break long-standing emotional habits, and become a bed jumper in his 50's.

Ok, so I am a bit jaded by the fact that I am not a 19 year-old nurse, or a 22 year old Project Manager, or any of those other things women work at when they are in their late teens to late 30's. However, it sounded to me like his wife burned him, he had to start life all over again at 50, and he is going to prove to the world he still can hold his staff up straight and proud. Ok, good for him.

I am sure he will find loads of women to be with the new, non-committed, serial non-monogamist, anywhere he goes now. However, can you really change your stripes, once you have worn them for 40 some years?

I guess you can and look forward to talking with him again in about 3 or 4 months, to see where his new declaration of independence has driven him to, in this crazy, anything goes sexual adventure, so many are driven to after their main relationship goes crashing to the ground in angry, vengeful, and hopelessly out-of-control flames. It is too sad to think about.

Or, maybe, I am just out of touch with the dating world of men, who were abandoned by long-time lovers, wives and girlfriends. When I left mine, a cave for a few months of mourning, crying and dealing with anger, was were the road led me. Then, one morning, I awoke and began smiling again, since the lessons learned from the relationship(s) became clear and, hopefully, never to be repeated again.

It never discouraged me from believing that there would be someone more suitable, for the re-charged, re-generated me. The thought of serial dating became out-worn, after a few trysts and many flirtatious encounters. It all came down to the fact that I had to pull my life together, work, and get back around people who were doing exciting things, which nudged me into trying new things or travelling to new places.

Serial, non-monogamous dating was something we all do in the teens through 30's. A lot of men get married in their 30's now, according to some stats, I was looking at, and, like all stats, they also showed many of these relationships broke apart after the first or second child came along.

Breeding is important to both sexes, at one point in their lives. I think a lot of the time, that drive clouds the face and facts about the other person in the relationship. Don't want to generalize here, yet, that is what men are telling me. The best thing they got out of their ex-relationship was a child.

I had coffee with 2 men in SF, the other day. They were sitting at the only large table, for my net book, in the coffee shop, and I am not that ugly, so I smiled and asked softly, if I could join them.

We twirled around a few general topics and then, for some reason, I asked them what was on my mind, which was if either of them had ever cheated in a relationship.Ya, that is one way to cool a coffee encounter, for sure.

However, they both grabbed that bone, and went off on what made them cheat, who they cheated on, and when it was more likely to occur, in their relationships. Both of them, voiced a similar opinion which is that they were tired of women telling them what to do, all the time.

This usually began after about 5 dates with sex. Both of them were in their forties and both had ended long term relationships, in the previous year. I asked them why they had allowed her to tell them what to do, and both of them looked like I was delirious, and said, because of the sex. Wanting to have sex with her, they gave up their power.

They were smart in recognizing their pattern, however, the only way to avoid it post-relationship, was to have multiple sexual dates, and no commitments or desire to be with one woman, any longer. They also told me that San Francisco was filled with women who only wanted to get it on, once or twice, and everyone knew that was how things were in the dating world among their friends.

I realize how easy hook-ups are with cell phones, and tweets, and one guy told me that he had a woman in Berkeley, who he meets up with once a week, when she comes over to SF to pick her husband up at SFO, every week.

The other guy told me that there's a lot of infidelity among their married friends, and many couples just accept it. It is a "norm" to blow off stress and still have someone to pay the mortgage with you.

This flows into a conversation I had with a female friend who told me that everyone has cheated at some point in their lives. I argued that point with her. That is not true; just another generalization.

One thing I did realize, watching them, was there was an anger and a loneliness, in their voices and body movements. Maybe, there are a lot of angr, lonely men out there. More than I realized, which makes it hard to make a connection that matters, since there is a fear of connection with some men, and so things don't last longer than a few weeks.

I am thinking about this and paying more attention to the men I do know. I am going to talk to my brothers about it. It is something we have never discussed and I think a good time will be in the next few weeks, after they have had their grogs and Irish Coffee. Strange universe we live in.

Strange seeing things through mens' eyes, in a city where there is a general malaise over jobs, housing, relationships and politics.

There were men I met who were happy and involved with women, however, I did not really get into these types of discussions with them, as since they are friends, I just assumed everything was ok, with their partners.

Well, I am going have to ask some more questions about these revelations over the holidays, and see what's up here in the Northwest. Ladies, be kind and gentle and quit telling your men what to do all the time. They can dial a phone, open the front door, and probably kiss pretty good.

So, enjoy them, because if you aren't, there is another woman waiting out there who may take over for you. At least, that is what I was told in San Francisco.

“You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”   Keith Sweat

A comment from Ty, [link below] also shows that the financial loss from a divorce also causes men to choose to remain unattached. He makes a good point.