Meant for Me, Now

There seems to be little inspiration this morning at 1:32 am, as I wander through my mind trying to figure out what I want to write about in the blog. It could be I am tired, since I spent most of the day with my esthetician having wonderful, healing treatments done on my face and neck. It was time for a facial and some waxing,  and my skin needed a lift.

What I discovered about her is that she loves to read autobiographies. She does not like to read fiction, since it is not "real". She found out I was an author and began telling me about the books she was reading now. She also has a twin sister, born 7 minutes after her. Maybe that is why she likes to read only things that are "real". Having a twin, mirror image of yourself, facing you everyday for 25 years, would seem an unreal, type of reality, I guess. They wore identical clothing until they were both 14.

She never had anyone to compare herself against, during the formative years, as her constant companion was herself, in the physical form of her twin sister. I think it would be strange, as a child to look at your dopple-ganger and not realize, until older, there were differences of the mind and heart all along.

Surrender allows us to face the fear we face before it becomes a reality, says Iyanla Vanzant. This fear of not having anything to write about is gone now, since surrendering to my tired mind finds words and stories that I wondered about while lying in the spa, listening to soft sounds, as my skin was cleansed and rejuvenated.

There are times when we all need to turn off our brains, and for me, the physical manipulation of my body, seems to do the trick. Sex has the same effect, or it should, if it is incredibly great sex. And yes, it is important in a relationship, and for human connections, so don't kid yourself about it.

Wild, crazy jungle-monkey sex is also important and you never really know how someone is going to be in an intimate moment, until you actually are standing in front of one another naked and smiling. Sitting across a table and having illusions about sex, with the person across from you, are very dangerous illusions, unless you can act with a bit of bravado and courage and say, "Hey, I want you. Do you want me?". If they say," yes", ask the safe, healthy sex questions, and go try it. It might be better than the illusions you are both having, about one another, or it could prove to be less so, and therefore, you both know.

Am I getting bolder as I get older? Maybe, and maybe I should just ask that guy in San Francisco, next time we are sitting at a table, with one another, if it comes to be. Maybe he will ask me, however, I think he is scared of something, and it could be too risky emotionally for him since his wife left him for another man, so I am told by a friend, and his illusions about me are a safe fantasy world for him. That was 2 years ago, last time, we ate together. He could be married and with children by now. Just don't know, the way life moves so fast, through all our lives.

I am just rambling now, and it  has to do with time lost, words not spoken, and not being direct about what I want, and expecting him to make the first move. I learned that when I want something, it is absolutely wrong to blame someone else, for not getting it. So, I cannot expect him to do something, that I desired/desire to do, but was/am afraid to do, because I wanted/want him to ask me first.

It is so 4th grade of me, I know, and it is 2:40 am, in the Pacific NW. I really don't care what anybody thinks about me; well, I do, ok. I am aware of my desire to be intimate with him, and equally aware that sometimes a relationship is divinely ordained, and comes along, like he did, and neither of us are ready for it. (I think I need to go to the Yucatan and work off this lust/love thing, by climbing some Mayan pyramids).

There is a spiritual law, that says, you can only have what is for you to have. Nothing more than that will ever come to you, in this lifetime.

I arose from bed, to write the blog tonight, after laughing for 5 minutes, at Craig Ferguson's rabbit-puppet monologue, on his show tonight. Perhaps, what I need is some silliness and laughter. I have not had enough of that lately, and it would be nice to know someone nearby who could help me laugh at myself right now.

This guy, in SF, does that very well, with me, however he never communicated with me, again, after 2008. Maybe, he is afraid of me, or something I represent(red-head, single, female), or maybe, he just doesn't like me because I pushed him over the edge, of his comfort zone, and he had to re-structure his life after his divorce, re-build his business, and find out who he was, after being married for 17 years. I understood that much,about his anxiety and his need to distance himself from me,  however, I still wanted to be with him. My heart works on its own energy pattern, and emits emotions, feelings and depths. Feelings let me know I am alive and authentic. I felt alive around him.

I saw him as a blessing, however, I was not going to join with him in his suffering and fear. He needed to heal and find out what his new position was in the world, as a single man, again. He had a lot to get through, and, I know myself enough to know, how long a process it is, let alone, being able to recognize yourself after the mourning period has passed, and the fear, exhaustion and anger.

The thing about it, is that, there is order in the universe, and the order in which this relationship evolved, or dissolved, possibly, was all based on that universal principle or order. Nothing arrives, before its time comes, and until it is time for it to arrive, we move through the universe patiently, sharing unconditional love.

Is love that scary for us, nowadays? Our lives are so fast, so temporary, in many ways. We expect things, we buy,  to need repairs, and relationships/marriages have percentages hanging over them, that prove a failure percentage rate. I think a lot of statistical figures are urban myths, as unmarried, stable relationships are never reviewed or included in the stats.

I have a hard time with people who run around all day screaming Love this, Love That, and then, when someone tells you they love you, the value is depleted in your mind, since the word carries little intrinsic value, because of 21st century bastardization and misuse of it.

Many people are afraid to love, or speak the words, as if the words had the power, to mesmerize and enslave you for all time. What is it that you give up, when you tell someone you love them? I do not think anything is surrendered in speaking or writing those words. Many times, others are shocked by them, will attempt to dissuade you from speaking them, or run from the cadence of the energy they emit.

If you ever tell someone you love them, more than they love you, your usefulness as a human being, diminishes, with your arrogant dialectic, regarding amount, depth and true meaning of love.

Is telling someone you love them, more than they love you, true? Do you really know the depths of someone's soul? I consider it a waste of breath. Love cannot be measured, and there is no litmus test to figure out a quantifiable numerical equation, to measure the amount of love you feel about someone. If someone told you they loved you a little, would you feel less vulnerable, and more able to proceed into a relationship with them? Ask them out on a date? Lean across a table and kiss them?

No, because it is the words alone, that have the power to create, and that type of power, is an enigma of the heart, and it is sitting within sacred ground, in center of my Being.

I think what happened to me today, at the spa, as old skin was sloughed off, revealing the fresh, new skin underneath, is I entered a new state of authenticity. I saw my authentic self, in the mirror. In doing so, I became able to resonate, more intimately, and no longer afraid, of reaching out to the universe, tenderly, and asking for that which is meant for me, now.