Life On The Road, Now

Danise Codekas 2013, All Rights Reserved.

 

The time of recognizing the needs of this woman,who has driven 12,820 miles since May 2012, begins to take shape, here in the desert oasis of Las Vegas, Nevada. I’ve been here since January 10, 2013.

This trip, when I began, had one destination in sight. Corrales, New Mexico. Yet, I drove back to the Pacific NW, 3 times, between June and September.

My intentions are so easily bent and re-molded according to what I am working on in life. Drove back to the Olympic Peninsula, the first time to rekindle a relationship with a family member, that completed in 4 days, and drove to New Mexico, again.

You create the journey, follow your own map and enter into situations, which rip you apart, put you back together again, make you strong, make you sad, and test your sanity.

Life on the Road, it is for now: my road.

I swooped into  Denver and many interesting people placed themselves before me. For the first time since I left Seattle in 1995, for the forests, farms and shorelines of the Puget Sound, Denver became the city of my life. September until January, I huddled there.

Walked the streets, drove to its parks, mountain passes, rivers,  and coffee houses, and learned from a man that I was “not very photogenic”, had a “fat ass”, and was too short (5’6 1/2”). For a moment, I believed him.

Travelled to Vail, Colorado Springs, Breckenridge, Boulder, Garden of the Gods, and Nebraska, where I  was seduced by each location, and the places in between.

I contemplated what I was doing driving hither and yon: received an answer. The soft chuckle of unseen angels were heard above my bed and exhausted I fell asleep, accepting where I was, who I was with, and slept the sleep of the dead.

Trying to explain to you why the drive to leave everything I knew for 20 odd years and drive across the empty beauty of the Southwest, and the unimaginable beauty of South Western Nebraska, and the Colorado glory, is boring . I felt it, heard it and knew I had to go.

I don’t have words that can explain to you, why I left anywhere I have been, except that at each point ,the people I was with, no longer needed me to be with them. I do not know if I will ever see any of them again.

Even though, Facebook and Twitter help us to be with someone, I 140 characters,  and phone calls bring them closer, I need to be in the presence, of another human being, to  know the truths of our experience.

 

 

Whatever these encounters, living situations, and intermingling were supposed to help me figure out, I am still in travel mode.

Sitting here in the desert, with 3 people  is, once again, an interesting experiment: testing will, compassion, power, love, disdain, cruelty, control, rejection and many other emotions that erupt.

I have never been lonelier in my life. Without anchor, boat house, or tie-downs. Yet, still I breath and hope and wish for the next indicated thing, which leads me to happiness, home, love, and peace.

Finding I can survive most situations, even though I am not very “photogenic”, have a “big butt” and am “too short” (5’6 1/2” tall), as one person told me in Denver, I have a great vibe and love animals and people who demonstrate compassion, creativity, kind-heartedness. These things have to be their anchors in life.

I was a bitch, along the way, a few times. Fear, anger are emotions that erupt when I travel,  that have nothing to do with the trip, and everything to do with me relocating to a new place;and every idea and dream, and my past, gets blown to kingdom come through the new interactions and trials on the road.

You are left standing naked before the sun, and know what you have to do next. If you don’t do it, say it, go there; forever, you will regret not listening to your heart, and no one and no road will satisfy you until you act and complete the dance, with them or without them.

It all comes down to people. The one you return to, the one you will never see again, the one you wish you could see. We are not solitary humans. We are geared for touchstones which create balance and safe harbor. To expect the past to re-appear is foolish. I changed, you change ,when we travel through space at 75 mph for 10 months.

What it will become for me tomorrow or next month, I have no idea. Something, Someplace,  or Someone will attract me, beckon me and a decision will be made then.

 

Sticker on the Door Panel in my bedroom in Denver. Never noticed it until the moment I walked out of the room with my suitcase.