San Fran-Days 3 and 4

Well, seems I lost two days in SF, and that should be a good thing if you are having a good time while on the road, and enjoying the company and adventures along the way.

Went back to my old hunting ground, North Beach, and wandered around remembering the delicious memories from times past. Ate at L’Osteria on Columbus after spending  an hour at City Lights, reading quick passages in books which intrigued me.

It is one of the best collections of Intelligencia’s creations, in SF. There should be such a bookstore in every city over 500 people in the US. Food for Mind Expansion, extraordinaire.

The Trieste was not full and P and I sat outside enjoying our coffee, discussing past events and people we shared our lives with when we both lived there, when it was our center of the universe.

We also decided it was the first place we would choose to live in if the time came to relocate again. 

It is one of those places where you remember you met someone there.

I remember my one block walk down the hill from my house on Kearney, in the mornings, and the steep walk back up, in the evenings, after spending time with friends and about to be friends, discussing our daily adventures and intrigues.

Gossip, political activism, relationships and creations being written and tables, all melt together in a cacophony of immeasurable, personal satisfaction and expansion.

It is just one of those places that create the atmosphere for communication and social expansions. Walking into another cafe, yesterday morning, almost everyone was sitting working on laptops, It was as if no one wanted to communicate and there was little interaction among the occupants.

It was a dead zone for social interaction. The Trieste demands eye contact, and creates that atmosphere that allows you to talk to the stranger at the next table. It has something special; so rare among Wi-Fi cafes, now.

After returning to the house, Dawn arrived and entertained us with her latest artistic creations which are going on the Internet today for sale. We sat talking and sharing earth’s mind-expanding bounties, and by1am, I drifted off to bed smiling about how lucky I am to have such friends and places to remember when I return to my place  above the Puget Sound.

Tonight, there will be another adventure downtown, with friends and foods, and when I arrive at SFO, smiling, there will be memories to write about again, on the 2 hour flight home,

Revertially Bowing to Adventures and Adventurers: Day 2-San Fran

Copyright2010 by Danise Codekas

One of the great joys about traveling is you never know what is going to happen next,
even if you plan on a the next moment taking place. Realistically, this could be my last breath, and I try to keep balance in my life by repeating that thought, to myself ,whenever I am afraid to take action, or if something comes along of such an unusual nature, and I hesitate to appreciate its power, to possibly rip me out of my habitual activities; the ones which we all follow, in somnolence, which,i f stopped, can lead us into a new dimension, paradigm or relationship, or get us killed.

Spent most of the day writing, talking, eating, and cogitating. If I don’t write every day, my gyroscope gets a little wobbly and something begins knocking against my brain, which is usually another part of the story which needs to be released into the cosmos. As I get closer to the end of my life, my life speeds up in order to experience as much of life as it can before heading into other worlds. I can sit for hours thinking, as all of us do from time to time. Writers’ tendency to find the explanation for their feeling or experience, sometimes takes decades, before the explanation and realization arises, as to what actually changed them and why they chose the path they did at the time.

Luckily, the understanding, of how it all fits, into their world, and affects the outer worlds, of their existence, occurs in a split second of clarity, and in my experience, the realization and understanding involves a  sentence or word, which encompasses the totality, of whatever it was I was trying to figure out. I tend to believe that most people are incredulous when the truth reveals itself, and it is always overshadowed by one of the simple laws of the universe. I had a few of those moments today.

One of the joys of spending time with friends is the reflections of self, that are mirrored back during conversations. You get to experience the truth about yourself and also see how far away from crazy you are  located, or, how close to madness, you were before the reflections appeared in the mirror. Friends do that for one another, usually without realizing their importance to you. It is nice to let them know you value them, and today I bought my friend a new tea pot, as thanks, for her reflections. Now, I know a tea pot is not a big offering for such a gift, however, my friend and I have spent many tea pots of time together, discussing our lives and dreams, throughout the decades of our friendship.

We have shared friends with one another. I gave her my best friend, Cyndy , when I moved out of San Francisco. She was there while Cyndy was dying, a year I would choose to forget forever.

When I gave the eulogy, to a few hundred of Cyndy's friends and family, realizing how the connections would grow across time and space, I never imagined 15-20 years later, I would meet John, tonight at dinner, who knew Cyndy, because of another simple introduction between friends,  once again proving the theroy --Three Degrees of Separation .  My friend, in turn, has introduced me to her friends, which prove to be interesting, insightful and adventurous, in one way or another. A girl needs adventure, a writer needs the insights of others, and my life needs to be interesting, in order to continue on paths, which can be lonely, challenging and introspective.

I am here to see if San Francisco can be home again. Walking the streets tonight, enjoying the city, made me realize I have missed walking city streets. There is always something of interest, something that catches the eye, something that makes an impression. It is fodder for a writer, as are the mountains and wild animals that lay at my feet, in the Pacific Northwest. I love both. Which do I need now? Which environment will bring me to the next indicated thing in my life. That is what I am here to discover. My decision to change my life again is in process; where that leads me is still unknown, however, the quest is now in process, and eventually the answer will arise for me.

Every aspect of life feeds creativity in me. I will enjoy doing some more investigating into the charms of the city, tomorrow, when I visit the Asian Art Museum, with no plans for the rest of the day. That is the plan and plans change. It is 5:02 am and tomorrow is now today. 

I think planning is sometimes overrated by those who are afraid to leap, when the universe sends in a curve ball, or a person who is a little crazier than you and not afraid to break down a few doors, to find treasures. They do not care if there is no treasure. The only thing, that is important, is they tried to do it. The act of trying is just as important as breaking down the door, and finding possible surprises. Don’t pretend to be interested in life, then shirk from it, when someone offers you an opportunity, to create a little havoc in your life.

Plans are meant to be changed: they are only ideas, not reality. It does not become reality, until you are breaking into places, which you had not planned to enter, and realize you always were meant to be there. You don’t have the key to the door, but you are sure, that what lies beyond is more important, more exciting,  than what you planned on doing that day, and you never needed the key anyway.

I am tired from all the fun, today, filled with interesting conversations and the best chicken sambucca, cooked by my caring friend. We enjoyed it with one of her favorite people, who was thoroughly entertaining, erudite, and well-read,  and was never afraid to break into new sociological paradigms, where he was not invited, but once he got in, bringing others along with him, he knew they would enjoy the journey, once they realized they were holding the keys. All they had to do was realize anything is possible, even the improbable: a visionary and humble man, all wrapped up in energetic visualizations, who transformed the lives of thousands of people, without many of them realizing, he was and is a catalyst for change.

How many of us get to meet a creative visionary, who helped create an artistic, transformative paradigm, during their lifetime? He may not like this acknowledgement, since that humble, down-to-earth, sincerity is there too, however, he is not afraid to act, which shakes the world out of its somnolence. People like  him, take you to the edge of your reality, then jump over the edge, right along side you, knowing all along, that the ride through space has to happen before the next indicated thing arrives.

So, it was Black Friday in San Francisco, and to dishonor, of one of the most celebrated, dysfunctional days, inside the American Republic, I paid full price, $12.99, for the tea pot, at the local Divisidero, hardware store, a block from the Independent.

It was a simple act of social rebellion, to counter-balance those, so tied into the mass shopping hysteria, who are calling me a fool now for paying full price. To earn the full scoff, of those who shopped, I also waited until 7pm, so that any shopping conquerors, still wandering the streets, in “I got the best deal“ ego satisfaction, illusions, would be home, asking themselves why they wasted 5 hours of their lives, or maxed out credit cards, and like the good sheeple, they are, drove to malls, zombie-like, at 4:00 am, to stand in lines, in front of stores, mind-sucked by advertising moguls, so that transitory objects are beatified and bestowed sainthood by the masses.

I am waiting to see the announcement for the first Vomitorium, like ancient Rome's, to handle the expulsion of their shopping, over-indulgence psychoses.

So, I sit here while North Korea attacks South Korea, again. Afghanistan and Kashmir are being decimated, as cultures, by those who seek to control poppy production, and strategic, nuclear missile sites.

Another 20,000 children starved to death, China declared the US dollar valueless,US Congress is going to stop paying Federal Extended Unemployment Benefits, affecting 40 million, US citizens, which include their families, and the economy, of their cities and villages,  and many may have to live on the streets, in their cars, but not on the Capitol Mall, which is where they should go to, so they are seen and not forgotten by their Congressmen and the President‘s advisers.

And Monday night, I may have and adventure with friends,in the San Francisco night that  relieves some of the tension in our lives. We understand the insanity of the collusion of world super powers, the possibility of nuclear annihilation, the lack of coverage by mass media, in the past days, that a Chinese, missile-bearing ship, fired  a missile, along the Southern California coast, while cruising  by US waters. Yes, they fired a missile, to let us all know they can do it, and you didn’t know because we accepted their excuse, or else you were shopping.

I think I need coffee since it is 5:36am, and ready to begin the day I began writing about last night.

First Night - San Francisco

Well, the turkey has been consumed, the carcass was won by Hugh and Ka, who will prepare a wonderful turkey stew or maybe some turkey tetrazinni. Putting a 20lb turkey carcass in a garbage bag, they skipped out onto McAllister carrying the carcass, and a box of pumpkin pie, baked by the amazing Jody. P is in the kitchen with me at 1PM, with plunger in hand trying to unplug blocked kitchen sinks, jammed by 20lbs of turkey fat from the Thanksgiving Bacchanalia.My head has returned to normal after consuming 5 glasses of Tott's Brut, and we are preparing for another dinner party here tonight, with chicken sambucca on the menu.

The party lasted until 1am, and P and I spent an hour laughing over conversations from the party. Ronnie and Trevor were preparing to brave Black Friday's shopping madness, seeking out the perfectly priced big-screen TV. They were planning on heading out at 10am this morning, however my bet is they are just getting in the car now at 130pm, in order to let the alcohol and tryptiphan hangovers subside.

Yesterday travels proved to be a perfect opportunity to work at 39,999 feet in the air, as my companions were all enjoying the Virgin America hospitality and minimal crowds at airports. The shuttles from SFO to Divisidero and McAlister usually run around 17.00. Yesterday, as things were so slow, my shuttle guy told me he would take me direct for 45.00. I said, no, 20 minutes later, after we waited for other possible passengers to choose his services, we departed, alone for my destination in the city. He was upset about the fact that there were no other riders.So I gave him an unusually large tip, since before he handed me my bag he said, "OK, beautiful lady, here you go".

Beth, who I met last night, proved to be the best massage therapist ever when she provided many of us with back, neck and head massages, during after-dinner laughter and coffee. The tie-in with people, understanding the three degrees of separation rule, was amazing as always, as those who I had not seen in 20/30 years, knew mutual friends of ours. A sterling nights,when a large group of people have common interests , loves and friends from years ago.

Conversations ran riot across topics. Michaelangelo, Sistine Chapel invasion by tourists who do not pay silent homage to its wonders, divorces, new and old loves, passions, politics, and dysfunctional family relationships, food, wine, and even a poem recitation by Beth, who is in a writer's group with P.

My next few days here will be filled with more dinner parties, visits to the Asian Art Museum at 1PM Saturday, alone, to stand in front of Buddha's and art from millennium past. We may go play pool, one afternoon, a shared interest with Jody, which we discovered last night during dinner.Since we both like Martini's, as does P, that perfect SF bar and pool room could  prove an amusing diversion, for a few hours.I am also planning on heading up Clement Street to visit my favorite Chinese Tea Store, where I can sit and sip samples if their incredible varieties, and purchase PUR tea, which I love so much, budgeting around 50.00 for tea pleasures at home.

I also discovered a line I can use now, to get men I like, steered over to my blog. When I gave Andy my card, last night, I told him to check out my blog site and he could read all about my sexual adventures. He laughed, when I burst out laughing, when his eyes widened after my comment. Men are such wonderful creatures, especially when they show an intelligent sense of humor.

So, the first night in San Francisco proved to be enjoyable and gastronomically satisfying. What better way to enjoy yourself, than sharing great food and champagne with new and old friends, intense conversations, laughter and poetry recitals. I also got to WOW them with one of my favorite alliterations, which I love to memorize, now, as I did as a high school senior in Speech class.

Tonight's dinner at P's, with John and other old/new friends is only a few hours away, and already I look forward to another wonderful San Francisco night. If any of you who know me, have some extra time to spend with me, supping coffee or having a glass of wine, want to meet for a few hours, call my cell or email me, and I'll be there. You have until Tuesday  at 6PM, when I fly out of SFO.

Throwing the Wedding Ring Away

             by Danise Codekas, copyright2010

“In rivers, the water that you touch is the last of what has passed and the first of that which comes; so with present time.”

          Leonardo da Vinci

It was an unusual day. What started out to be a day of preparing for my visit to San Francisco, turned into a day of observation and remembering things about my past.

Shopping for a new dress and pants, turned into a two and half hour marathon in dressing rooms, aisles blocked by frustrated parents trying to soothe their tired children, and me asking a Spanish speaking couple if the mini-skirt I was holding was blue or black, which turned into a lovely foray, of 15 minutes, with them talking about Peru, where I would like to return to one day.  Laughing and talking with them made me feel really good, as they were so delightfully gracious in over-looking some of my faulty Castellan sentence structures.

After escaping the Nordstrom madness, I headed out to meet up with two friends of mine, at Anthony's for lunch. We usually meet up before the holidays, to catch up and delve into personal issues, as men and women do who have been friends for many years. The only problem was the icy roads and parking lot spaces whose divider lines were hidden under piles of snow and ice.

The sun came out for an hour, and Dierks Bentley had just finished singing, Draw Me A Map, when I finally gave up figuring out where the lines were supposed to be, slammed on the brakes so I could have some fun skidding on the ice, parked, and alighted smiling from the Subaru.

After lunch, I came home asking myself if I was crazy for having divested myself of all jewelry given to me by the men in my past. My two friends were wearing jewelry from past husbands, which pretty much could have bought 20 Subaru's, and probably installed Bose speakers in all of them.

Ok, the discussion started when I noticed friend#1's, square cut diamond ring. True, I hate platinum, it has to be yellow gold for me, however, looking at the 4 carat,square cut diamond, with the other 4 carats of supporting diamonds was an OMG moment, even though, mine would have been an emerald or sapphire, with the 8 carats supporting it.

I had never seen it before and she was wearing it on her engagement ring finger. It was from ex-husband #2. Friend#2, had on her diamond wedding ring from ex-husband #3, and it's facets were making rainbows, inside my Ouzo glass, it was so sparkly.

I had on my size 8, Renaissance design, amethyst, ruby, tourmaline, and sapphire ring, which I bought myself, for Christmas, last year, in 22K brushed Venetian gold. So, ok, they win the sparkle contest, however mine won the design and power ring contest. I had to confess, to them, I never had an engagement ring.

I have a tendency to usually say what is on my mind, which is a good thing when ordering ouzo. I prefer Ouzo Barbayanni from Lesvos, however, Ouzo Kefi or Matis, will do. In this case, I asked them both how could they wear rings from 2 men who caused them so much pain. Of course, they came back with the fact they had earned the right to wear them.

I could never do that since remembering the sadness of the past would be tied to the jewelry. They said, I was crazy to have thrown my wedding rings away, as I could have sold them. That wasn't the point, for me. It was a matter of getting to a place in my life where there was no more anger, bitterness, or thoughts of vengeance. I had become happy and whole again.

One ring is at the bottom of the Ganges, and the other, is at the bottom of the Bering Sea. Just one of those moments in time, when you suddenly don't feel anything except the need to release the past and finally let go of all those things that caused pain and tears. I had a new life, was on exciting adventures, and my heart was whole again.

It took a few years, for each arm-stretching fling, out, across those two bodies of water, to occur, however, I felt like I do, whenever I can get a whole row of skips, when skipping a stone across the top of the water. Exhilaration of accomplishment.

None of the jewelry I own is from men, I have been with in the past. Precious pieces from the female hierarchy in my family, all treasured, as are the lovely pieces from nieces and nephews, over the years. There is nothing in my home that came from a past relationship, since I could never stand to look at something "we" had purchased together, and thereby be plunged into a past that is past. Am I crazy? I don't think so.

My memories of those men are mixed with good and bad, and, in the end, that is all I will take with me, anyway. When I travel to San Francisco, Thanksgiving Day, there are streets I shall walk there, and in Berkeley, where I will remember men I have lived with in the past.

Our houses and apartments are still there, occupied by the new ones, who are happy in them, I hope. I never stayed in them, for long, after the end of a relationship. They also held ghosts from the past, and, sometimes, I think, to have stayed would have brought more unhappiness, in moments of memory, resurrected without request.

Driving home, I remembered an argument I had with an old boyfriend, in a grocery store in San Francisco, which began while I was reaching for stalks of fresh, purple asparagus. He blurted out that he had spent the night with his old girlfriend, when he was supposed to be in the grad library, studying for a French exam.

"Voulez-vous ce soir avec des asperges agneau?", I asked him, then threw purple asparagus stalks at him, as he walked away. (Do you want asparagus with the lamb tonight?). I went home, grilled the lamb and asparagus and shared it with my neighbor who had me laughing, at the end of the night, recounting what things she had thrown at her old boyfriend, in San Diego. I never threw another thing at a man, after that. I might have to eat them someday.

We all have things that we hold onto when we end relationships. Usually, it is the fear of becoming involved again and hopefully that only lasts a few years, until we can let go of the past, and see what is right in front of us, smiling and ready to enjoy life with us, anew. We will always make mistakes in these relationships, however, if you are with the right person, they are allowed, and forgiven, before you both fall asleep in one another's arms.

Someday, I will fall asleep in some powerful, warm man's arms, who I pissed off earlier that day. I'll smile knowing I will have to return the favor, of his forgiveness, maybe the next day. However, when I look around at the mementos and gems we have accumulated and shared with one another, I will know they are our energies, unsullied, by men from my past who were not of his ilk, because he understands the power of the past, and how it can sometimes cloak what is before us, in present time.

“The future hasn't happened yet and the past is gone. So I think the only moment we have is right here and now, and I try to make the best of those moments, the moments that I'm in.”

   Annie Lennox

Enchanting and Surprising

“True love cannot be found where it does not exist, nor can it be denied where it does.” Torquato Tasso

Today has been spent surprised by visitations from family; and, research into my past, that resurrected itself, without warning.

So I guess it was a great day. Always interesting when the past resurrects a topic or person who influenced your mind, and changed your life, as Michel Foucault did mine when I met him at Berkeley in 1980, in the main library, one afternoon. For the next few years, had the pleasure of getting to know him, talking about our travels, and how views and ideology can change, just being in a new location on the planet.

I also sat in on a few of his philosophy seminars in the Fall of  1983. He loved Berkeley, lived in SF, and probably would have spent more years at Berkeley, than in Paris, for a time,  had he not died from AIDS in 1984.

I remember when he lectured in Zellerback Hall and thousands crammed in, while police blocked off paths, pushed people off steps and away from walkways, until people started yelling and screaming to get to Wheeler Hall, where video screens transmitted the lecture, for another 1000 admirers and critics, of one of the world's greatest living, postmodernism philosophers.

Yes, it was a very good day, since I also had the pleasure of taking my brother and niece to one of my favorite Mexican Restaurants, where I enjoyed the Mexican Pizza, which is one of the great gifts brought to America, by the zany Ixtapa owners .

I also learned how to fill a kerosene heater with a bulb pump, removed a shattered light bulb from a rusted socket, in my antiquarian bathroom, and found out that you can store a 5 gallon kerosene can, safely, without blowing up the house. I also learned that possums do not like coleslaw. So all in all, a satisfying day. I also need to buy long-nosed pliers.

Working on my manuscript, I read Francois Lauruelle's article, The Truth According to Hermes: Theorems on the Secret and Communication, which led me back to Torquato Tasso, who was one of the greatest Renaissance poets, and almost became the king of poets, of Italy, had he not died a few months before the Pope was going to honor him.

I think the hardest thing about writing a book is the research, and not because the research is difficult. It is because, like today, while researching I meandered in many different directions, across the Internet, as I tried to work through another chapter on this book I am writing about men, which includes insights on ethics, relationships and mythology. So, the Internet playground seduced me away,propelled me into the past, and I ended back where I started, with a lot more packages of info to unload from my mind, then finally arrived, staring at the last period, of the last sentence in the manuscript, and wrote a few more pages.

Taking in all this information today will propel me into something new tomorrow or maybe next week, when I am at Berkeley again. Strolling around campus, which should be quiet, over the Thanksgiving break, memories will arise, and maybe the Bears Lair will be open, and I can sit and have glass of something, while I remember the first time I saw the Talking Heads (remember them?) playing in the square, while the old, blond, naked lady danced while the Japanese Tour Bus occupants watched and photographed her, and David Bryne and Chris Franz went crazy, taking us to the river and burning down the house.

I want to be somewhere warm tonight. Somewhere in a jungle, listening to the sounds of the crickets, yowls of large cats, and monkey yelps. Smelling the air that holds the scents of jungle flowers and soft, damp earth. Something erotic about the jungle at night. It felt that way sometimes, when I was in Kauai last January, lying on the grass, looking at the stars from atop a mountain above Kapaa.

I love the Amazon jungle outside of Quito, Ecuador and Iguaçu Falls, Argentine side. I remember the red dirt at Iguaçu and the dense, heaviness of the air, during the days. The mind slows and the senses sharpen when you are in a jungle. You are aware you are an animal, and there are more dangerous ones around you, watching you, that you never see.

You become aware of limitations, as a human, watching animals jump from vines to trees, and aware of snakes slithering around palm trunks,  50 feet in the air, and incredibly large insects, sitting on leaves which you don't notice until you are upon them, or they jump on the back of your shirt.

I would return to the friends' home, or hotel, in these places, and enjoy the outdoor, sun-warmed shower, sit on the patio, sipping large glasses of cool drinks, as my adrenaline normalized from being on alert walking through pristine, primordial splendor.

One day I would like to go with a man into the jungle and walk with him, like Eve did with Adam. Lay with him on a bed, white sheets, windows open, listening to those sounds which connect you to the earth and its powers. Your brain slows in the jungle, and your think differently, a cadence arises which pulses through your body unlike other places on earth. A slow, evanescent cadence which culminates in soft, sweet slumber.

I can taste the fresh guava juice and the papaya pieces, nibbled, on a porch ,in the Ecuadorian jungle, while a woman hummed to the sky, and remember watching a man and woman walk slowly toward me, past me, into the house, and the door closing to their bedroom. What mysteries did that night hold for them? Sweetness and love and passion, I hope. They were in their 80's and married a few weeks before we met in the jungle paradise. I think of the quote by Gibran, below, and realize how wonderfully the universe provides astonishing surprises and love for us all.

“It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations”

I had a good today, filled with memories, teachings and wonderful food and conversations. I was creative, energized, kind and thoughtful to those who spent time with me. San Francisco, next week, will be unlike any trip I have taken there before. I do not know why I feel that, this morning, at 3am. Something is arising in my orbit about this trip, and like a walk through the jungle, I am aware it is hovering around me, cannot see it, yet know it is there.

Like Tasso's quote below, a piece of my soul that I never knew was missing, will be given to me and I can not tell you how. There are two things about life that I love. It is enchanting and surprising.

“Love is when he gives you a piece of your soul, that you never knew was missing.”Torquato Tasso quote

Want to Dance

Woke up this morning, dancing. The I-Pod kicked in around 8 and there was Journey belting out, Worlds Apart. Threw off the blankets and jumped into the living room and spent a half hour dancing through the house. Doing the thing I love, almost as much as being in bed, with an attentive lover, began remembrances of  nights spent dancing around the planet.

The I-Beam in SF was a fine dancing ground for doing whatever you felt like, in whatever form you chose, as music blared, lights voluted, whirled and helixed across ceilings and walls, and those too cool to dance, drank, smoked weed, tripped on whatever psychedelic happened to walk in the door, wandered around the sidelines, checking out the bodies writhing and moving to the sounds.

Many a night, around 10pm, I would head out of North Beach, to venture into the Haight, to meet friends who had found a place to dance the nights away. There was always someone willing to turn around and grab a new partner and the stage show, which included dancers who needed some exposure and didn't care who was watching, some good, some lacking that connection to all their body parts, and still willing to just get up there and dance because that is what moved them.

Friends who came to town from all around the world would eventually end up at the I-Beam, during their visits. A few did not want to go because they thought it was not cool enough, however, they eventually got into the energy within minutes of walking in the door. It was a huge place. Not as big as Studio 54, since it did not have the balconies, as did 54, plus 54 was about as mesmerizing one could find in New York, then. Everyone ended up there after 11pm, when I was staying in one of my favorite places on the planet.

I love to dance. I find that men who love to dance are men who also know their way around a woman's body, in a way, that men who don't dance, with passionate rhythm, freeze , at some point, in the explorations and touches which makes a woman want to dance on a bed.

Yes, it is a gross generalization, and I apologize to those men who were not dancers, yet entertained me, on those warm San Francisco nights. But, a man who dances is always a man who knows where to put hands, entwine his legs,  and savor the movements of  his lover's gambols and frolics across their cavorting, mindless, moon-framed tastings of one another.

I want to go dancing with a man who wants to know my body. A man who has that intense desire in his eyes, as he follows me across a floor and understands that sometimes, not to touch me, moves me closer to him, like a panther, stealthy, drawing closer, slowly to its prey, and when I am there, drawn by his swaths of sweat and laconic smiles, he knows the place and moment to touch me.

Is there a dance place in San Francisco, now, that has an energy which draws people away from walls, and their illusions of wanting to touch someone, onto the dance floor? I hope so, as I want to go dancing again while I am there over Thanksgiving. The people I am staying with don't go to those places, anymore. Maybe somewhere in the Mission, for a little salsa, or SOMA. I lived in South America and spent many a night in clubs in Mar del Plata, Lima, Quito and Rio. 2 years of my life learning the beats of hot, South American rhythms with a boyfriend named Luis.

Rock, tango, rumba, jazz, blues, country and Ride Sally Ride pulsed through those speakers, and voices, in those places, I danced at around the planet. One night in Madras, India, some friends took me to this jazz-rock club that was packed with about a two thousand people, and it was hot and sweaty, with beer bottles and filled scotch glasses lined 10 deep, across the 30 bars, scattered through the industrial, 4 story building, with Mercedes and scooters double parked, for blocks around. We danced until 4am and the next day, I was smiling, while napping on a flight to Bangalore. That is a dancing-girl's 4 star night, for sure.

One night in Rio, I was invited to head up into the hills, for a birthday party, for the aunt of the maid who cleaned my room for 5 weeks.

One morning she came into my room, and I was standing on the balcony, with my headphones and bathing suit on, dancing to Black Magic Woman. I don't know how long she watched me, but at one point, I turned and she was smiling. She pointed to my headphones and I re-played it for her, and within seconds she was laughing and moving around the room, dancing, too.

That weekend, she and her brother came to the hotel, and drove me up the steep, Rio hillside to their aunt's home.Until dawn, we ate, danced, drank Cuba Libres (rum and coke), as I tangoed and tangled with bodies who loved to dance. Tired, about 40 of us headed to the beach to eat breakfast and swim, then, lay under umbrellas, satiated, as the sun's warmth flooded our bodies, and someone started playing the guitar and lulled me with the songs of women, love, passion and long, lonely nights.

Dancing slow with a dark-haired man, that night, I felt the passion as heat rose from his hands and our bodies touching, as his hands slowly moved across my back and hips. Something about dancing slow, that moves two people into a sensual, erotic moment, that even as strangers, melt the barriers and a sexual desire ignites for a few minutes. Everyone knows it, we just don't talk about it much.

Feeling Alright and Joe Cocker is starting to wail in the living room right now, and I think I need to get in there with him and do some of that Calypso, Hawaiian hip movement thing that seems to work so well, as my hips and shoulders start moving while typing.

So, if you know a good place to dance in SF, over Thanksgiving, let me know the place, date and time. I'll be the one in dancing shoes, tight, black pants and a smile. Really, if you know a place, send me an email at danise@gmail.com. We don't have to meet; but I want to dance.

Meant for Me, Now

There seems to be little inspiration this morning at 1:32 am, as I wander through my mind trying to figure out what I want to write about in the blog. It could be I am tired, since I spent most of the day with my esthetician having wonderful, healing treatments done on my face and neck. It was time for a facial and some waxing,  and my skin needed a lift.

What I discovered about her is that she loves to read autobiographies. She does not like to read fiction, since it is not "real". She found out I was an author and began telling me about the books she was reading now. She also has a twin sister, born 7 minutes after her. Maybe that is why she likes to read only things that are "real". Having a twin, mirror image of yourself, facing you everyday for 25 years, would seem an unreal, type of reality, I guess. They wore identical clothing until they were both 14.

She never had anyone to compare herself against, during the formative years, as her constant companion was herself, in the physical form of her twin sister. I think it would be strange, as a child to look at your dopple-ganger and not realize, until older, there were differences of the mind and heart all along.

Surrender allows us to face the fear we face before it becomes a reality, says Iyanla Vanzant. This fear of not having anything to write about is gone now, since surrendering to my tired mind finds words and stories that I wondered about while lying in the spa, listening to soft sounds, as my skin was cleansed and rejuvenated.

There are times when we all need to turn off our brains, and for me, the physical manipulation of my body, seems to do the trick. Sex has the same effect, or it should, if it is incredibly great sex. And yes, it is important in a relationship, and for human connections, so don't kid yourself about it.

Wild, crazy jungle-monkey sex is also important and you never really know how someone is going to be in an intimate moment, until you actually are standing in front of one another naked and smiling. Sitting across a table and having illusions about sex, with the person across from you, are very dangerous illusions, unless you can act with a bit of bravado and courage and say, "Hey, I want you. Do you want me?". If they say," yes", ask the safe, healthy sex questions, and go try it. It might be better than the illusions you are both having, about one another, or it could prove to be less so, and therefore, you both know.

Am I getting bolder as I get older? Maybe, and maybe I should just ask that guy in San Francisco, next time we are sitting at a table, with one another, if it comes to be. Maybe he will ask me, however, I think he is scared of something, and it could be too risky emotionally for him since his wife left him for another man, so I am told by a friend, and his illusions about me are a safe fantasy world for him. That was 2 years ago, last time, we ate together. He could be married and with children by now. Just don't know, the way life moves so fast, through all our lives.

I am just rambling now, and it  has to do with time lost, words not spoken, and not being direct about what I want, and expecting him to make the first move. I learned that when I want something, it is absolutely wrong to blame someone else, for not getting it. So, I cannot expect him to do something, that I desired/desire to do, but was/am afraid to do, because I wanted/want him to ask me first.

It is so 4th grade of me, I know, and it is 2:40 am, in the Pacific NW. I really don't care what anybody thinks about me; well, I do, ok. I am aware of my desire to be intimate with him, and equally aware that sometimes a relationship is divinely ordained, and comes along, like he did, and neither of us are ready for it. (I think I need to go to the Yucatan and work off this lust/love thing, by climbing some Mayan pyramids).

There is a spiritual law, that says, you can only have what is for you to have. Nothing more than that will ever come to you, in this lifetime.

I arose from bed, to write the blog tonight, after laughing for 5 minutes, at Craig Ferguson's rabbit-puppet monologue, on his show tonight. Perhaps, what I need is some silliness and laughter. I have not had enough of that lately, and it would be nice to know someone nearby who could help me laugh at myself right now.

This guy, in SF, does that very well, with me, however he never communicated with me, again, after 2008. Maybe, he is afraid of me, or something I represent(red-head, single, female), or maybe, he just doesn't like me because I pushed him over the edge, of his comfort zone, and he had to re-structure his life after his divorce, re-build his business, and find out who he was, after being married for 17 years. I understood that much,about his anxiety and his need to distance himself from me,  however, I still wanted to be with him. My heart works on its own energy pattern, and emits emotions, feelings and depths. Feelings let me know I am alive and authentic. I felt alive around him.

I saw him as a blessing, however, I was not going to join with him in his suffering and fear. He needed to heal and find out what his new position was in the world, as a single man, again. He had a lot to get through, and, I know myself enough to know, how long a process it is, let alone, being able to recognize yourself after the mourning period has passed, and the fear, exhaustion and anger.

The thing about it, is that, there is order in the universe, and the order in which this relationship evolved, or dissolved, possibly, was all based on that universal principle or order. Nothing arrives, before its time comes, and until it is time for it to arrive, we move through the universe patiently, sharing unconditional love.

Is love that scary for us, nowadays? Our lives are so fast, so temporary, in many ways. We expect things, we buy,  to need repairs, and relationships/marriages have percentages hanging over them, that prove a failure percentage rate. I think a lot of statistical figures are urban myths, as unmarried, stable relationships are never reviewed or included in the stats.

I have a hard time with people who run around all day screaming Love this, Love That, and then, when someone tells you they love you, the value is depleted in your mind, since the word carries little intrinsic value, because of 21st century bastardization and misuse of it.

Many people are afraid to love, or speak the words, as if the words had the power, to mesmerize and enslave you for all time. What is it that you give up, when you tell someone you love them? I do not think anything is surrendered in speaking or writing those words. Many times, others are shocked by them, will attempt to dissuade you from speaking them, or run from the cadence of the energy they emit.

If you ever tell someone you love them, more than they love you, your usefulness as a human being, diminishes, with your arrogant dialectic, regarding amount, depth and true meaning of love.

Is telling someone you love them, more than they love you, true? Do you really know the depths of someone's soul? I consider it a waste of breath. Love cannot be measured, and there is no litmus test to figure out a quantifiable numerical equation, to measure the amount of love you feel about someone. If someone told you they loved you a little, would you feel less vulnerable, and more able to proceed into a relationship with them? Ask them out on a date? Lean across a table and kiss them?

No, because it is the words alone, that have the power to create, and that type of power, is an enigma of the heart, and it is sitting within sacred ground, in center of my Being.

I think what happened to me today, at the spa, as old skin was sloughed off, revealing the fresh, new skin underneath, is I entered a new state of authenticity. I saw my authentic self, in the mirror. In doing so, I became able to resonate, more intimately, and no longer afraid, of reaching out to the universe, tenderly, and asking for that which is meant for me, now.

Wonders of Travel

We wander for distraction, but we travel for fulfillment.  ~Hilaire Belloc

The holiday travel bug has hit. It is time to begin making plans to head to the far and not so far, as I think of friends and begin to make plans for the next 2 months. I enjoy travelling on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day. For most travelers, they are somewhere already. My family all travel during those times, so our times together, to celebrate, occur at odd times across the holiday calendar.

This year, for Thanksgiving, my siblings, parent, and assorted nieces and nephews are gathering for the pies, turkey and various adult libations at my sister's horse ranch on the Olympic Peninsula, a few days before or after our holiday journeys (TBD). We will tell stories and make fun of one another, and since my niece's new boyfriend will be there, conduct the typical family inquisition, expected by any man, if he is wise, who dares to date any woman of the family.

My sister and I are both single, and I dread the day my love is forced to attend the first dinner party with my mother and sister. No, there is still no man in my life, as some of you should know, if you have read the blog, however, I am travelling again this holiday season, and you never know who will pop into your life while wandering around the earth.

I hope that Rachael's new beau understands the fact that she is going to Ireland to the National Stud School, for her master's in thoroughbred equine breeding. It is her plan and one that formulated a few years ago, when the family headed to Ireland to drink and visit horse breeding farms, across the verdant island.

Thanksgiving Day my siblings and mother will be scattered far and wide, across the continent, to ski resorts, Indian reservations and riding arenas. I head to San Francisco to spend a few needed days, of frivolity and flirtatious innuendo, at my dear friend, P's SF abode. We will eat, drink and be ravenous for the feast, of  each other's 2 years, of past experiences.

My suitcase will carry the requisite Alaska Smoked Salmon, who will enjoy the flight across the Pacific and over Mt. Rainier, and down through the wonders of Oregon and Northern California, discussing the amazement of Jerry Brown's election to re-govern that lovely state, once again. He was once my boss, when I worked for the California Public Broadcasting Commission, my last years at Berkeley.

Satellites where my thing then, and designing the new laws for satellite technology allowed me to meet new friends, and attend some wild Berkeley parties, attended by those promoting and designing the pathways and transponders for the new technologies, including meeting a sexy man named Carlos, who adored me for 2 nights, before he departed to the University of Seville. Ole!

Do you ever wonder what happened to those old lovers, of yours? Ever find out what happened to those who weren't but you wished they had been? I do. Lust, food, wine, dinner parties with strangers, coffee houses with friends,  and intriguing conversationalists,  crowd into my experiences, when I trip around the planet.

Travel is fulfilling and memorable,  if you stay in the present moment. I could have a great moment to remember, a new story to tell, or a new love who calls me, upon my return. I just never know, once the door is locked and I am sitting in the airport shuttle.

Since last trip to the City by the Bay was 2 years ago, to see you P, Ronnie, Trevor, Jodi, Tom, Dan, Ellen, Mark 1 and 2, Flip, Jimmy Eyes, John, Darryl, Crain, Margo, Dave, Ger and Pismo, Berkeley Savants 1-14, Dancing Harlots, Gamma Raze, and those who wish to remain anonymous, my hair has grown--a lot. So as not to shock you all, here I am, with long Titian locks. 

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.  Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.  ~Mark Twain

Déjà visite

(Déjà visite, Danise Codekas, copyright2010)

Seems like I did this once before, thought I, last night, as I looked over 17 books, I had read in about a week. The past month has been a non-stop reading marathon. I read 83 books in 42 days, while drinking gallons of Argentinean Organic Mate, and excusing myself from invitations and long phone conversations. My diet consisted of fruits and shakes, from my apple and pear trees, oatmeal, homemade soups, scrambled eggs, avocado & cheese-filled croissants, garden of life green shakes, and grilled, Greek veggies in olive oil and lime, over lovely halibut steaks.

The books covered everything from mythology, architecture and 18th century erotic fiction. I began reading Latin again, and found Ovid and Hercules leaning over my shoulders, in the late evenings, as Homer argued for political ethics. The need to be home, reading, compelled a reticence not to be away, from the house. I found it comforting not to leave the house, or, if so,  for a short time, only.

I stopped writing my blog. I went to my Facebook or Twitter pages, once or twice in the past few weeks. Anyone else's blogs, fell to the way side, as the desire to fill my mind with information from books, took on a ephemeral scenario.When I began to think I was totally losing it, by unplugging from social media dialogue, and the need to know what I was supposed to be doing in my life now, with no desire to integrate anyone else's life experiences with mine, without guilt,  it became a delicious roll, into that ancient rite of reading books only.

I think I turned on the radio once or twice in a month, getting all my music stimulation from the car radio/cd player when I ventured into the nether world beyond my front door. TV was turned on a few times, at 11PM, to watch Jon Stewart, however, before a half hour of his show ending, the TV was turned off, as I rushed to pick up the book currently being devoured, by my mind.

As I look over my library and purchase receipts from the beginning of September, there are 83 books on my accounts.

The fiction covered genres and writers previously unknown, and fiction, included delving into the lives of Joe Grey and Celtic talking cat myths, to Demeter and Persephone's lives among mortals and gods.

It was almost impossible to write anything, during these last 6 weeks, as the need to consume anthologies, mysteries, scientific discoveries, and Emile Boirac's essay, where he coined the phrase Déjà vu(already lived), written while at the University of Chicago. It was during the reading of that essay, I realized my reading marathon was also a  little bit of Déjà senti (already felt).

I already felt my mind experiencing a new paradigm, previous to the reading marathon, however, all that was missing was the pieces of information needed for the new paradigm to fully engage in my life. A shift in my thought processes occurred at the end of August, as I was faced with the sudden belief I knew nothing about reality and therefore could not write my books. It was not as if all my knowledge had been erased; it was all my knowledge no longer supported my new paradigm, my evolving soul.

The information I needed for the next steps in my life's works, were standing on the edge of my consciousness. The old information is valuable; however, déjà visite (uncanny knowledge of a new place) kicked in the first 2 weeks of September, as my birthday on the 9th, integrated with cosmic energetic patterns which changed all of our lives, at many levels. I knew I was headed somewhere new and would recognize it when I arrived.

It became a race for my soul to grasp quickly new cosmic and cutting-edge advances, in arts and sciences. Information which is currently affecting changes on earth and those who inhabit it. Holding out my arms to gather up as much of this information, including how we are being described in fiction, which exhibits mass conscious agreement, with the fictionalized experiences, based on mass media's largest selling authors, directors, musicians, and artists, demonstrate where are minds are at, and how far they can be pushed into accepting new paradigms, created by others. What about my thoughts without the influence of your thoughts? What are they? What do I think without your influence?

The one thing I know to be true about mass media's darlings, although scoffed at by many literati, is there is something so subtle running through it, which comes from human's movement toward creating the next genetic advancement in our cultures' mass rise, toward higher consciousness and, of course, species evolvement.

My reading of 83 books, I now understand, was my way to kick away from old patterns, old ideas, and even other's ideas found on the Internet, in social and media blogs. It involved a deep need to seek my own understanding of what the current world is becoming, heading towards, from my knowledge of mass communications' sociological perspectives.

To take a macro-sociological view of the world, instead of the micro-infested, blog suffused ideology, which permeates most dialogue today. It was a way for me to simply turn off the over-whelming input to my mind from rock stars, news groups, political activists, literary and movie critics, and the everyday bragging, which most of us seem to under-handedly pass along to one another, through this self-created, indulgent media morass. One which I also, ascribe to, since to do otherwise would leave me with less human contact. We are all social animals, are we not?

I finished the last book this morning, and realized I had It. Satisfied with the knowledge absorbed, these past weeks, where I stopped existing on the Internet, inside of the paradoxical daily life of my past, brought me to a new understanding of what was the next word was to be in the manuscript, and what fears from the past and in the future, no longer existed in my life since a fresh perspective, of incredible optimism arose.

An uncanny knowledge of a new place was there from the beginning of September, my déjà visite. I knew it, and was yet to get there, and arriving there, this morning, as I finished book 83, realized it is a much happier and wiser place, than I had been before.

Don't read this: I am perturbed and depressed

It has been a crazy week. A few hours ago I was in a blue funk. One of those times where nothing makes sense, no one who can help me, and not seeing any thing to make sense of what I am feeling. I can count on one hand how many times, this year, times like this one arose. I am not a sad person and tend to be in a pretty balanced mind-set. Loneliness and depression just do not arise much, in my life. Tonight, though, they really washed over me and there was nothing to do about it, except sit quietly and breath through the anxiety and sadness. There was some anger, too, and a desolate feeling,  of  a lack of  trust, toward fellow humane beings.

It happens to all of us, sometimes. It feels like you are the only one in the world, experiencing withdrawal, and no one is able to re-connect the dots for you. Actually, you don't want anyone around you because you are too fragile, too sad or hurt,. A touch would completly imbalance you, as this is one of those soul searches only you can figure out. It is your lesson.

Life and human actions overwhelmed me, this week, and the reasons for why people are the way they are, at times, caused anger, frustration and a need to withdraw from all interactions.

I lie on my bed, in the dark, looking at the ceiling and say things like, "God, what am I going to do?" or "Why did they do that?".

You all know what I am talking about here. It is a silent scream to the cosmic powers, and another human cannot settle the disturbance in your  soul. It has to be done by myself, by yourself, and somehow, if we are bold and brave enough, we  get up off the bed and do something, to rid ourselves of the morose, anxiety about what IT all means, and eventually, a resolution or universal truth whispers inside our hearts, and I pray, that the truth won't hurt too much.

For the past 4 or 5 weeks, I was selling some gym equipment on EBay and Craigslist. A woman decided to buy it and, she ended up being part of an international internet and bank fraud scam ring. I spent time with the fraud department of the Southside Bank in Tyler, Tx., since the check, from this ring, was from an account of The Overhead Door Company, at the bank.

The wire transfer number on the check was correct but the bank account number was fraudulent, however, it all appeared so real. Fortunately, if some stranger sends me a check for $2,150.00 more, than what the price of my item is listed for, I am not prone to run off to my bank, cash their check, and have a Western Union Money Order wired back to them, the same day.

I verify the check, first, before I hop in car and run up to my bank. Anyway, not to bore you with the unraveling of the scam process, it did involve a few hours of discussion with the Southside Bank's fraud department, my local sheriff, who came to the house to look at the check and paperwork, the UPS Fraud Department, and an hour's conversation with a friend who needed to hear about the "almost got screwed" event, of the week.

In order for someone to fool you, take advantage of you, a good way to go is to create some type of horrific, life event for themselves, so that there is a sense of empathy created between you. In this way, you tend to become more understanding of why a buyer would, inadvertently, add an additional 2150.00 to a check for a 350.00 item.

In this case, the bank fraud scammer emailed  me to say that her mother was just killed in a traffic accident, and she just wasn't thinking. It almost worked, except for the fact, that the note that came with the check,  from The Overhead Door Company, was written poorly, had numerous misspelled words, made up words, poor composition, and incorrect verb tenses. I know that is common with a lot of writers, when they are in 2nd grade Composition Class, however, this was supposed to be a Texas business. Nah...it just didn't seem right.

Their big mistake was to demand (their verb, not mine) that I take the check, cash it, and "immediately" send it via Western Union. The thing was, this woman, never mentioned The Overhead Door Company in her emails.

Up until I opened the 1 Day Air UPS envelope, Overhead and myself had never come across one another. Do I want to run a 2500.00 check through my bank without finding out if it is good? No. Especially, since this woman claimed to not have a PayPal account, either.

Southside Bank's fraud dept. said there have been hundreds of checks, using their bank wire number, made by these defrauders, over the past few months. The FBI is involved, as the checks have return labels, from New Hampshire, the gang member wants the shipment sent to San Diego ( which is probably a parking lot), and the UPS 1 Day Air letter had a point of origin in Missouri. The FBI arrested a woman a while back, who had fallen in love with some guy online, and he had asked her if she could print off his business checks, on her printer. How smooth are these thieves?

Anyway, on top of this little adventure with the internet underground, one of my visiting baby deer was killed tonight, on the road, and left there by a cruel, and hopefully, soon-to-be unlucky person. How could they just leave baby deer lying on the side of the road? Her mother has been in the apple orchard all day, lying on the ground or just standing staring into the forest, and I know she is crying in deer-way. She is sleeping next to the apple tree, alongside the office window, now. So sad.

Things have happened this week, which have made me less enthusiastic about humans, on the whole.

I just needed to write about it all. On top of this, finances are tight this month, and if you happen to have an extra couple thousand dollars, lying about, just send it to my PayPal account: codekas. Now, that would be a miracle. True, money does not solve everything, however, I am depressed and you really do not want to read another blog like this one, until maybe, another 6 or 7 months down the road.

God-willing, the fraud ring will be stopped, somehow. The police officer told me a lot of folks are getting scammed by a group who emulates a PayPal email, telling you their payment from EBay to your PayPal account has been deposited. However, if you check closely, the senders' email address is: PayPal International.com. Totally bogus.

I need to balance out now. Time to meditate. Blessings, All.

Do No Harm

Good Afternoon, Friends.

Thank you for being who you are and grateful we are all on a journey of discovery together, in the cosmos. Do not be afraid today to say what you need to or be afraid to think the impossible is possible. It is. I know from my own experience, anything I desire from my heart is possible.

We forget that we have the power to create, and in that process we must face all fears we have to let go of because FEAR is only False Experience Appearing Real. It is all in the mind and does not come from a place of power and wisdom.

You have to let go of those things which are unsettling you and preventing you to march outside your front door, your hotel room door and know that the moment you do, you can create a new reality.

Reaching out with words of anger and vengeance to another on this planet will never give you the peace you are screaming for now. There is not a single being on this planet who does not want peace and sometimes we have to explore, to speak about those things that are not good for us or the planet. Many times our anger at having been fooled by another's selfish intentions block our ability to walk away.

We tend to pick up our armor and challenge another to examine a person, group or ideology which is not allowing others to be free. Many times, we overlook the fact that it is just a journey, just an experience which our souls needed in order to see what our soul really needs. There is no one on this planet who has the answer to your cosmic questions, and no one who can define for you the path you travel in order to discover the answer. It is up to you.

Yesterday I became angry with someone who wanted to impress their power over me. My natural response is to write an answer and unload my power into the dialogue which will show them they do not have my permission to control me. I am so aware of my freedom, so deliciously melded to the ideology of freedom.

As I thought about the email I composed, and emailed, I realized last night, around 2AM, lying in bed, that I should not have sent that email. I should have walked away from it, let it sit, and let the power of the universe work on re-balancing the energy between us.

The other thing that happened, was that I stirred up some anger, in a person, who read yesterday's blog, and he picked up the sword, and in his blog began to promote the people who presented the workshop, I discussed in my blog, because he is so intimately connected to this couple and ideology. So, we are dancing together in our subtle ways, now, and it is a lovely dance because I love him, as a human being, as creative voice of the universe.

When 2 humans engage in a battle, what is it they are fighting for in those moments? Freedom. Freedom from being entrapped in pain and not being recognized for the incredible human spirit they possess. We always are willing to fight for recognition, not realizing at times, we are always seeking recognition of our wisdom, contributions to the world, and love.

I am becoming more conscious that my ego is losing hold on my mind. The ego, as Eckhart Tolle says, is losing its hold on women more quickly than on men, now. If you want to know why my being is revolted by suppression, and love the word freedom, you need to read A New Earth, by Tolle.

There is an 8 minute video of Ekhart's which addresses a question: Have you ever regretted something you've said? http://bit.ly/4OvlxA 

Yes, I have and so have you however the teaching we give one another, in these blogs and emails, come from a space of needing to learn, to teach one another, and bring us to a new level of awareness. The first thing I realized when I was very young was that I had pain and negative emotions, and I could no longer pretend it did not exist. So, I left home when I was 14 and moved to Argentina, alone, without my family, and began my search for freedom and release from my own wild mind's fears and pain.

I began to see who I was without the confusion of other's pain-bodies around me, and started a journey of seeking which took me to the doors of healers, shamans, Buddhist monks, and those who had come to peace with the universe. I learned how my body reacted instinctively when my freedom was being challenged, and through that began to use my psychic and healing abilities, to help others. After a few years of teaching and working with those who needed my ability as a health regression intuitive, I stopped giving lectures and working with clients for a number of years.

To this day, I am reserved when I hug someone, as I can intuitively recognize where a physical issue is located, and can see what the initial thought was which began that pain, in this or a past life. It plays like a video in my head, and lasts a few seconds. One of the things I needed to learn was how to maintain my own energy and not let the other's affect mine.

The problem I have with this ability, which was evident to my grandmother when I was only 6, is I had a lack of awareness that many times people do not want to hear what I had to reveal about their issue. To look at another human, who I do not know well, and tell them that they need to go to a doctor and have their throat examined, because in a past life they were abused by their mother who locked them away, until they died, can seem unfathomable and frightening.

I have the same ability with animals and will do whatever I can to let someone know that their lovely housemate should be given another type of food or go to the vet. My gift is a blessing in many ways, for those who understand it, and yet, until I learned that in spite of my desire to heal other's, sometime it is not their time or not my responsibility to heal them. They have a path and a soul path which only they are responsible for now.

It was a hard path to understand that sometimes I need to be silent. Oh, and the email I sent last night, I found out this morning, it never went, as it got saved in the DRAFT folder, which I do not remember doing, proving once again, the universe works in perfect harmony, and who am I to question it but another soul, walking the planet, hoping we all have freedom to explore that which our souls require for the next step in the journey.

A few days of rest and horses in on my agenda as I head out of here now. Will be playing with big dogs and wonderful Tennessee Walkers, walking through my sister's forest to her secret pond.

Be well and to those who I have made think about things which could be possible, open your mind and do no harm.

Go To The Source

230PM-Listening to Ants Marching by DMB

I am waiting for the UPS angel to arrive with a magic delivery,  so I thought I would write about a Facebook conversation, I had with a friend of mine, today. 

I love Facebook, when friend's starts chatting with me.Isn't technology wonderful? To be able to communicate from my hilltop above the Puget Sound to a friend on a hillside in California, in a moment surprise? A type touch, so to speak.

When I was working on my degree in Mass Communications, I often wondered, why I had chosen that track. After running into a few great astrologers, the reason was clear, since I am a Virgo, with Mercury as the planet running through my heady life. Mercury is the planet of communications, so the degree choice was not so crazy.

I've spent a lot of time in the field of communications, working from lots of angles, both technological and planetary. Satellite communications, Software/Hardware copyright law, certifications in Microsoft platforms, Cisco Networks, XML development. What interested me was the sociology of mass comm, how and why groups communicate, the societal impacts of those communications, and how do you create them and keep them going, and control mass consciousness. 

Control mass consciousness, sounds very Hitler-esque, however, my question was how did that guy in Northern California ever get tens of millions of people to buy his pet rocks? Do you have a bumper sticker on your car? Do you  have one of the Jack-in-the-Box bobble heads on your antenna? Why do you watch Survivor, Dancing with the Stars, The Super-Bowl Half Time Bands, or American Idol?

How do you make money from them, how do you control the mass consciousness to watch your story, sing your song, and how do certain media angles and products allow me to get the biggest bang ,for my efforts, and  capture the most ratings in whatever media I am using. 

Mandala

I can design a survey, using certain sentence construction, visuals,and diagramming, to get anyone to agree, or at least remember me or my brand. Heady stuff.

The important thing, I learned, is how incredibly important personal contact is on an ongoing basis, despite access to media. Personal touch, personal interaction lead to important understandings about who I am and who you are, and are the most intriguing aspects of sociological communication research. How do we affect one another when we communicate?

My friend and her family are experiencing some challenging financial times, in their lives right now. A mass communication from the cosmos about human sustenance and what is really important to sustain us. We have had abundance, righteous and extravagant spending frenzies, lifestyles of the rich and over-fed ego icons for the past 50 years. 

Affluence, of such a degree contrasting against abysmal, world poverty, the dichotomy of the insane wastefulness against horrendous, global misery, finally, like the tower of Babel,fell. Affluent habits are torn apart, as universal consciousness re-balances the gross negligence of world greed, along with blocking the wastefulness and destruction, of all natural resources , to fulfill outrageous fantasy. Higher wisdom energy created by those who were strong enough now to say, 'enough waste!', began annihilating the imbalance, by re-balancing our use of what is on the earth,with "Just Enough"consciousness inspiring many of us, in order to survive. 

People are learning what "just enough" is to survive now. 

How many wished they had saved their abundance, so that they did not have to work so hard now to survive? 

How many wish they were not living in their cars, because they paid so much for a mortgage, as they wanted to be accepted by those in a higher caste? 

The family, I read about that had 18 big screen TV's for purchase at the bank auction of their home, I felt no sorrow for, as the wife stood next to her red Mercedes, and complained how difficult it was going to be not having her Range Rover, to carry her 3 poodles to the vet, anymore.

I just had to shake my head, staring at those 65" big screen monitors. 18 of them! I know many of you will say, 'well, if she could afford it, why not?'. How about because it is insane? 

Well, my friend and her family are creative, trying to figure out what to do next. They are seeking solutions to problems that are frightening, and exquisitely daring, which will enable the change for a family's lifestyle, becoming a great adventure, eventually. 

Like the Hebrews, leaving Egypt, packing up the sheep and goats, leaving behind the houses and jobs, and heading out to somewhere across the Red Sea and the desert, not knowing where they would end up, what they would do to provide for their families, but knowing it was time to go. Leaving was better than staying, in the fetid atmosphere of freedom-less lives. 

I noted excitement and yearning in her short, Facebook messages as she talked about moving to Europe, the Caribbean or Central America. I could feel the wheels moving in her life, that would be unlike anything they could have imagined, before the financial tremors crept into the day-to-day life of their past. 

I knew they would be well, and in their new creation, which they have total control over,and their new life will be more amazing than they can now imagine. I look forward to that future for them.

3PM -UPS is still not here-Listening to My First Kiss by 30H!3--

She asked if I could head down to San Francisco for Thanksgiving. Told her I did not know, since I am planning a big adventure over Christmas. It would be great to see everyone in SF, however, I am not so quick to jump on airplanes, right now. Sometimes it is just a knowing that my higher self is guiding me and saying, "hey, you will be doing something else then and,wait until the reason arrives". Do you know what I mean?

I just listen to my heart-It is always the best direction, in anticipation of my ephemeral, futuristic adventures coming up. 

Sectarian, myopic analysis sometimes is best left in the past, otherwise you will have no clean slate to write the next chapter of your life on. S

Sometimes the past is better left where it is, like not trying to resurrect an old, love relationship. Usually, returing to an old love still involves the same personal issues and personalities, only it takes a little bit longer for them to arise again. You did learn some lessons from the past, didn't you?

The same fears and inhibitions may not exist for you, yet, they could still be active in the other's paradigm. Sometimes the past memory includes the good stuff, until the bad stuff resurrects, its wafting odors, quietly, softly. You may have both changed, however, you fall into the old patterns ,of past dreams of the relationship, and you dream the old dreams together, until one of you wakes up and sees the truth. Most returns are to settle an unknown, or out of fear of the unknown future.

It is all communication, in different worlds, dreams and fears. It rarely survives between two people, as the resurrection morphs into the ascension before your eyes, and you begin to realize the end has come.

I sat behind a man with two ex-girlfriends, on either side of him, one weekend at a relationship workshop. I went because I wanted to hear men talk about what they were feeling about women and relationships. It was one of the those 'feel-good' workshops, where people, like myself, divulge experiences and understandings about their lives.

The workshop leaders, a couple, filled the room with goody-goody lectures about love and forgiveness, yet, they themselves were cold to some of the participants, when they were not on stage. The woman was very jealous of interactions of other women, with her mate, when off-stage, and also fearful of other women's power. 

It was evident to a few of us women, in the audience. There were people there with current loves and spouses, who had brought ex-loves and spouses to the event, so they could show how well they were able to overcome their issues and, now were the best of friends. There was something very sad about it all because whenever two ex's were talking about their old relationship, one of them was still hurting; one of them was pretending it did not hurt so much to have lost in love and be sitting next to the new partner for 2 days.

It was palatable in the air and throughout the hall. It was very heavy energy, and sad in many respects. 

I asked one man, after he and his ex-wife had spoke about how wonderful it was they had forgiven one another and now were friends, why they had divorced. He got so pissy with me. He said that she had cheated on him. I asked him if he wanted to get back together with her, and he said, "Never, I can never trust her again."

It is a statement which should have been added to their group reveal.  She was high on her current love affair and, I think, was cruel to ignore that her ex mistrusted her. How could you not know know he was still hurt and jealous? Oh, EGO! She was sitting there between 2 men who she had claim to. There was a lot of incongruent love-forgiveness babel from workshop leaders who, at the end of the workshop, declared that their teaching syllabus descended from the Landmark Forum. 

That pissed me off because Landmark from which est training was developed, by Werner Erhard(aka Jack Rosenberg), the founder of Landmark, which was the offshoot from Scientology's, L.Ron Hubbard., created huge international and national legal battles, IRS suits, and was banned from Germany. Erhard(Jack Rosenberg) was portrayed as a wife abuser and child rapist (incest with his daughter), during a CBS's, 60 Minutes show in the 70's. [March 3, 1991, Program#2325]

The daughter claimed that CBS offered her $2mm dollars to say he was abusive with he and her mother, which CBS denies. Large Group Awareness Training are/were workshops developed by Landmark, which were allegedly stolen from the Church of Scientology, and luckily for me, I had studied the Scientology and Landmark issues, after a personal experience, with a Scientology member, in Washington, D.C. Makes my skin crawl just thinking about the mind-verbal controls of both groups.

Hunter S. Thompson called est in Fear and Loathing, “a pricey, psycho-babbling series of long and demeaning behavior-modification sessions that preached the virtue of selfishness.” Pretty much says it. If you want to read a little on the topic, and why it makes me sick to think about being sucked into this 'feel-good' weekend, only to find out that these folks who "created" the workshop, based it on the Landmark/Erhard Warner/L.Ron Hubbard model, check out Tim Boucher's blog and walk around some of his links: http://bit.ly/bwkUs

The problem with Landmark and how it influenced the relationship workshop is both trainings alienate you from your emotions, and responsibility for your actions, just by the re-definition of language terms, which no one but those attending understand as they are assigned new definitions by the organization.

[In Landmark, they seem to focus on the idea that you create the meaning of events. They also go to great lengths to try to teach you that events are essentially meaningless in and of themselves.-Tim Boucher]

UPS, still not here-5:02PM-Listening to Little Lion Man by Mumford&Sons

So, this guy with 2 ex-girlfriends, on either side of him, is now dating one of the ex-girlfriends. Based on the excerpt above, their previous relationship and the fact that they didn't treat one another with respect, is meaningless, because not until they attended the seminar and  disemboweled the events of their relationship, all 3 began to believe that their actions were meaningless, and come up with an agreed upon meaning of what actually happened, making none of them culpable for cheating, and then create a false,goody-goody, I -feel-so-good-because -I- am- not- responsible-for- my- actions meaning, and  you can't blame me for anything mind-set. 

Scientology, est and Landmark has grabbed your mind, repelled your soul and humane ethics, and you start a new, blank slate with no responsibility for your actions, because  you get to ignore the past actions and meaning of events, and get to re-write your history by coming up with a false meaning of the  relationship events that you created. In other words you get a mental lobotomy, and no longer are resposible for the harm you have done. 

Maybe that is why the longest IRS lawsuit ever in the US was the IRS vs Church of Scientology. No respoibility because the meaning of why they did not pay taxes,  supercedes their action, of failure to file correctly. 

5:40PM-UPS-Not Yet Here.

I love surprises. Going to that workshop was a great experience and I shared a lot of my experiences, with perfect strangers who, like myself, had no idea that there was a reused, cult-ish paradigm operating through the energy of that room. Do I regret it? No, since I was reminded again how easy it is to fall into a somnolent state, dictated by feel-good hype and mind-set. In the end, it was a wonderful weekend and, happily, none of my ex-boyfriends were there. I relaxed and enjoyed the stories told and, watched how 2 people were able to contrive a communication incongruity, which failed to provide what the masses needed. It is rare you get to see a massive failure, in a communication environment, of a sociological paradigm. 

I waited a few weeks and contacted some of the people I met there to find out what they thought of it. Luckily, I was encouraged with my analysis, since they all said the same things:"something was missing" and they "felt uncomfortable about the fact that the workshop leaders were hiding something", or,they "were not being truthful about their relationship".

So what is the point to this blog today? Well, sometimes the medium is just a massage, and has a subtle message. In this case, it was a way for me to spend time analyzing some feelings about that workshop. It was also a way, for me, to wait for the UPS truck, which is not arriving today ,because there were weather issues between Kentucky and Seattle. S

So, instead of waiting for "IT" to arrive, do something to pass the time. It all is rewarding in the end, even though the cosmic X-factor is spinning around you. 

So, what did I learn today?


I should have gone to the source of the basis for the workshop, before I flew to LAX. I shall go exam the source of my desire to buy things, before I rush out and buy them. I shall go to the SOURCE, instead of blaming UPS for not arriving today, as the SOURCE controls the weather, and the SOURCE never hides the truth if you are willing to reach for it, even when it hurts. Once the pain is gone, the healing has already occurred.

7:54PM-1 DAY Air Letter to arrive Monday, 4 days late. 
Time to make some dinner and love my garden.
Listening to Vaporize by Broken Bells.

copyright 2010-Codekas